We've got a whole SYSTEM set up to prevent people like you from becoming mayor!
Undeterred by Grandpa Simpson's words of wisdom, Independent Legislator Li "The Fumigator" Ao is, indeed, running for mayor, so the Taiwan News asked him for an interview. Some highlights:
"[If elected mayor, I will] use Taipei as a political base for combatting the central government...I will leave the [infrastructure and economic development] jobs to my deputies...and focus my energy on fighting the central government."
Now, depending how you look at it, that means he'll be either a hands-off...or a hands-on kind of mayor. Just what'll his primary weapon be for this intended fight of his?
"Seventy-three percent of the city's revenue goes to the central government. As mayor, I will order the tax department to stop the practice."
Uh-huh. I'd be remiss if I forgot to mention a couple of particularly well thought-out policies that Taipei-ers could expect from a Li mayorship:
"[I plan] to re-zone the parking lot next to the Presidential Office and build a 10-story funeral parlor on it where people mourn their dead family and friends while [Buddhist] monks and nuns chant sutra."
"I also support direct air links between China and [Taiwan]...I may cut [the] water and electricity supply to the [Central Government] agencies that oppose direct air links."
I SWEAR I'm not making this stuff up. There's more, though. Here, he (sort of) answers how he would make Taipei a more English-friendly city:
"I don't like America, Japan and other foreign countries. As mayor, I will not allow the city's police to protect the [de facto American embassy]. Also, I will ask them not to protect President Chen Shui-bian and Vice-President Annette Lu."
But there's ONE question on everybody's mind that unfortunately the Taiwan News DIDN'T ask. Namely, just how long are we all going to have to wait before the cops haul Li's crazy, publicity-seeking ass off to jail for illegal possession of an electric stun baton, illegal possession of teargas, assault with an electric stun baton, and criminal discharge of teargas within a crowded room?
iiiit'll be a while.