The Foreigner in Formosa

That's A Lot Of Booooty Calls

Woman who had sex with 20 ghosts is now engaged to a spirit

 

Government Agencies In Need Of Renaming

Behold: Immigrant Settlement & Integration Services

Beautiful marketing, Canada. Well done. 10/10. pic.twitter.com/CjRrVdcNdv

— Joe (@Levi_Pride) November 27, 2015

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

'Fancy some role play?' she said, in her nurse's uniform. 'OK' he said. 'You see a three-headed dragon. Do you run or use your magic sword?'

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) September 24, 2015

Bozhe Moi!

What I appreciate most about pro-Kremlin propaganda is its subtlety.

All We Are Saying, Is Give Anarcho-Capitalism A Chance

All the Middle East's problems solved, overnight. The Onion has the scoop:

Everyone in Middle East given own country in 317 million-state solution

The broad and extensive compromise, which affects more than 3,000,000 square miles formerly occupied by the territories of Israel, the West Bank, Gaza, Syria, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Oman, Yemen, Egypt, and Jordan, will reportedly draw over 750,000,000 new borders in what experts claim will help drastically curb sectarian violence.

There are, of course, a few trifling kinks to work out:

The resolution, however, has not been without various complications, with the U.N. now struggling to accommodate its 317,000,183 member states, and the global economy still reportedly has yet to incorporate each of the 317,000,000 entirely new forms of currency.

Must...Not...Feed...The Trolls...

But Foreigner:  Life's a banquet, and most poor suckers are starvin' to death.

Tom Friedman Throwdown

Dr. Jerome Keating did a pretty good job last month.  But for bust-out funny, Iowahawk's the man to beat:

One-party autocracy certainly has its drawbacks. For example, some argue that one-party autocracies might not always do stuff Thomas Friedman agrees with. But this risk can easily be avoided if the one party is a reasonably enlightened group of people, such as China, and/or Thomas Friedman. Only through this one party system can we impose the politically difficult but critically important policies needed to move a society forward into a thousand-year empire of benevolent, iron fisted enlightenment.

Come to think of it, Iowahawk sounds like Sino-Imperialist Bev Chu over on Lew Rockwell's site.

(Only difference being Iowahawk has tongue planted firmly in cheek, while Bev is dead serious.)

Something For The Mean Streets Of Taipei

French scooter-mounted cannon

The Daily Gut On Chiu Yi

Heh.

Just to flesh out the story a bit:  Chiu Yi tries his damnedest to get a former president's secret service protection revoked --  a president who was shot at in 2004 and physically assaulted in 2008.

But suddenly Chui Yi gets his rug snatched, and he appears on national TV.  Cries about it like a little girl.  Oh, and he won't step foot out of the house now without police equipped with riot shields and helmets and batons and everything.

The Arquette Sisters are right, though.  "Yakety Sax" DOES make everything better.  Even "The Phantom Menace".

(ESPECIALLY "The Phantom Menace".)

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UPDATE:  Fixed the links.

Scene From The Upcoming 'Son of Indiana Jones' Movie

As you can see, the heavies are probably members of Hank Scorpio's diabolical Globex Corporation. 

Either that, or they're Chinese traffic cops.

(If it's the latter, then we can safely conclude that SOMEONE decided to live dangerously, and didn't put enough change in the parking meter.)

 

Not to spoil the surprise, but I hear that after a breakneck Segway chase, Mutt and his companions escape by falling off three waterfalls and swimming through a green algae bloom.

(Green algae?  Ewwww)

Still no word as to whether they manage to jump a shark or two along the way.

(Images from the Taipei Times and the Daily Mail.)

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UPDATE:  Heh.  Don't think of them as Segways -- think of them as "Anti-Terror Assault Vehicles".  (Hat tip to Jonah Goldberg)

UPDATE #2:  "Who said it wouldn't be a 'Green Olympics'?"

UPDATE (Jul 6/08):  Whoops.  It's supposed to be "Segway", with no "d".  Stupid phonetic spelling system!

UPDATE #4:  I did not know that:  The father of the Segway's inventor is apparently Jack Kamen, one of the illustrators of the old Tales from the Crypt comic book.

Breaking News

TAIPEI -- Legislators belonging to Taiwan's Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) were incensed yesterday when they learned that the Mongolian government is proceeding with oil exploration plans without consent from the Republic of China.

"We can't let the Mongolians get away with this," one unnamed lawmaker was quoted as saying.  "Mongolia, as defined by our constitution, is part of the R.O.C.'s sovereign territory.  Any oil found there, and all the revenues thereof, rightfully belongs to us."

"We demand that Presi... -- er, make that MISTER -- Ma immediately recalls our ambassador from Ulan Bator to let them know we mean business.  Mongolia needs to be reminded that its territory is historically, geographically and legally a part of the R.O.C."

"Right now, I don't think any of us are ruling out war as a last resort, by Guang Gong's beard!" the veteran legislator added.

To the dismay of his party colleagues, Taiwanese president Ma Ying-jeou has so far remained curiously silent about the crisis.  However, sources close to the former Tiaoyutai warrior have informed the public that Ma has given the go-ahead for a fleet of American-built F-16s to escort a single passenger airliner into Mongolian airspace on Wednesday. 

While there, the Taiwanese commuter craft is expected to carry a number of "One China" activists, who will express their displeasure at Mongolian splittism with the traditional shouting of slogans and throwing of water bottles.

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Note to the reader:  While it kind of kills the point of satire to actually SAY it's satire, I don't want some poor unsuspecting websurfer to get the false impression that any of this really happened.  So yes, it's satire.  None of it happened.  Or at least, it didn't happen EXACTLY like this . . .

Nonetheless, it serves to illustrate the larger point that it'd be a whole lot easier to sympathize with the Republic of China's claims over the Senkaku Islands if they weren't just another item on Taiwan's absurd laundry list of territorial pretensions.

This Is How We Used To Do Things, Son

. . . back in the days before we had any of your fancy "cell" phones.

Sure, they were bulky.  But nobody ever left one of THESE behind on a bus seat somewhere.

(Image from Britannica.com)

Grammy-Time!

If this doesn't win next time 'round, then there's no justice in the world.  The theme music from the old "Quincy" TV show - now, with added lyrics.

Because sometimes, pure idiocy transmutes into genius.

(Hat tip to Neatorama)

CIA's Master Plan Nears Fruition

Heh.

Giving Putin His Props

He may be a polonium-poisoning, vote-rigging, opposition-jailing despot...but Vlad the Cad DOES know how to pick 'em.  For the State Duma, I mean.

First off, meet Alina Kabayeva, 24-year old former gymnast and newly-elected legislator from the United Russia Party.  She enjoys quiet, candle-lit dinners, long walks on the beach, and rolling around naked on synthetic animal fur.

Next up, let's give another warm welcome to Alina's distinguished parlimentary colleague, Svetlana Khorkina. A seven time Olympic medal-winning gymnast, cerebral Svetlana enjoys reading, debating new laws, and, from the looks of things, the occasional wardrobe malfunction.

Tyranny may indeed be the ugliest form of government...but Putin, the old dog, is sure doing his level best to persuade us otherwise!

(Photos from The Sun.  Hat tip to the Brussels Journal)

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UPDATE:  The Times of London confirms the story, sans photos.  Now, just what sort of sick, twisted editor would run an article like this without any PICTURES?

UPDATE (Apr 19/08):  Rumors that Putin may divorce his 50 year-old wife and marry Alina Kabaeva.  I'm impressed, dude!

Upstage ME, Will Ya?

Best Taiwanese photo of the year, IMHO.  And the kicker is that someone told me the shot was taken when KMT presidential candidate Ma Ying-jeou was having a serious discussion with reporters about Sino-Taiwanese relations.

(Because nothing, but nothing says, "Gravitas," to voters more than a politician talking foreign policy...in his bright red Santa suit.)

Taiwan's Top Quote of 2007

I nominate, "Don't tase me, Ao," which people in the legislature must surely be saying now to independent lawmaker Li Ao.

(And please, no nitpicking that electric stun batons and tasers are two COMPLETELY different devices!)

What Does Santa Claus Say When He Gets To Taiwan?

Hao, Hao, Hao!*

(Terracotta Warrior Santa from Taoyuan Furniture Store.  Photo by The Foreigner.)

Those interested for related shots might also want to check out this fellow's compilation of The Top Ten Strange Santas from Japan.   Liked what commenter #4 at Neatorama had to say about them:

Wait a minute…we turn a Turkish bishop into a red-suited fat elf who lives at the North Pole and flies reindeer around the world and you wanna argue that the Japanese are the ones who got it wrong?

Touche'!
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* Mandarin for good, good, good.

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UPDATE (Dec 30/07):  This December's political correctness news was that a store in Australia insisted its Santas say, "Ha, ha, ha," because prostitutes might find the more traditional "Ho, ho, ho," offensive.

If this is true, then someone obviously needs to be packed off to sensitivity re-education camp.  Because as John Derbyshire points out, the new laugh is **GROSSLY OFFENSIVE** to members of the Hha-ha ethnic minority.

Funny Stuff

In no particular order:

I am the Very Model of a Psychopharmacologist

Star Trek: The Steampunk Version

Not funny, but cool nonetheless: Build-Your-Own Steampunk Computer Keyboard and Build-Your-Own Steampunk Computer Monitor 

Who needs an annoying protocol droid around when you can use the R2-D2 Translator instead?

Useful tips on How to Pretend to be a Time Traveler

50 Nerdy Pick-Up Lines

Losing one's marbles.  A bit risque.

Super Kim.  Kim Jong-il as a Mario Brothers character.

Japanese play soccer - with binoculars

Radically Less Cool Lifestyle Born to Area Couple

Chinese Announce Alliance with the Ants

Binge Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Orleans Journal Of Medicine   

Immanuel Kant Attack Ad

And in other news, I don't know how many people in Taiwan heard Bob Kerrey's recent "praise" of Barack Obama.  Ouch.  Jonah Goldberg lampoons it here.

Satiric Christmas Greetings from al-Qaeda's Zawahiri

Now here's a catchy chant (from Iran):  Death to the not properly veiled!

NOBODY Expects the Stuffed-Bear Inquisition!

It's official: Sudanese Muslims have now reduced their religion to Monty Python sketch material.

"Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Prophet.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again."

Site Traffic Way Up

And a hit is a hit, or at least that's what I tell myself.  Still, it's a strange feeling when you spend 4, 5, 6 hours writing up an entry on Taiwanese politics, only to find most of your visitors are dropping by so they can view posts like this.

No use fighting it, I guess.  Everybody loves a squirrel in a uniform.

And I Thought Mandarin Was Tough

Francisco from Venezuela describes his experiences in learning Japanese.  Entertaining and very well written.

Variation On The Old Barbara Walters Question

If you were a car, what sort of car would you be? 

Appropriate vehicles for the U.S. presidential candidates.  Funny stuff.  Click on the slideshow option.  (Hat tip to Neatorama)

What Captain Picard Never Says to the Replicator

Tea.  Earl Grey.  Iced.

(Iced Earl Grey Milk Tea from a Taiwanese 7-11.  Photo by The Foreigner.)

China's Olympic Demonstration Sports

During every Olympics, the host country is permitted to exhibit local spectator sports as a way of adding color to the Games.  John Derbyshire at the National Review tries to imagine what uniquely Chinese events will be held in 2008.  The best three:

Tibetan Snow Shooting. In their bid for a future Winter Olympics, the Communists will demonstrate their skills at picking off Tibetan refugees attempting to cross snow-covered Himalayan passes into Nepal. (This event may be scrapped because of a dispute with the Olympic authorities over the use of telescopic sights and snow goggles.)

Synchronized Slimming. Competitors here have to devise an agricultural policy so irrational that 30 million peasants starve to death simultaneously. Traditionally the winning contestant has his portrait hung in a prominent position overlooking Tiananmen Square, but for Olympic purposes a medal award will be substituted.

Chest thumping. In this rather advanced event, competitors attempt to intimidate each other by shooting down satellites, threatening to nuke major cities, asserting ancient claims to other people’s countries, and setting up missile installations aimed at long-independent provinces.

Happy Moon Festival

It has come to my attention that due to tightened health rules, hairy crabs from China will not be imported into Taiwan for this year's Mid-Autumn Festival.

In lieu of these tasty crustaceans, I give you something even better - a YouTube clip of The Swedish Chef and the Lobster.

Zhong cho jeh kwai le, y'all.

Pearly-White Terror

Got a hot date with the drill coming up, and, discretion being the better part of valor, The Foreigner will NOT be engaging in political argument at the clinic:

Dentists form group to support [Chinese Nationalist Party]

Chen Shui-bian's a bum, Chiang Kai-shek was the greatest thing ever, and the KMT's Taiwan's only hope? 

Rrrrrr-AIR-rrrrrr!

"Ahhtever you shay, Doc!"

Anatomy Lesson

The wheel bone's connected to the - brake bone,
The brake bone's connected to the - handle bone...

(Taoyuan scooter image with unacceptably high contrast level by The Foreigner)

Lost In Translation

Kind of a fun Chinese translation story from Venezuela.  A few of the details aren't quite right (I think part of the problem had to do with Simplified vs. Traditional script), but otherwise, yes, professional knowledge DOES count for SOMETHING.

Oil rig go boom.

The Zionist Squirrels Are Coming, Ahmadinejad

And they're coming...for ***YOU***!

Hava Nagila, Hava Nagila...

(Images from umt.edu and Animal House Magazine )

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UPDATE (Apr 27/08):  Fur-tunately, this sneaky little fella managed to avoid capture . . .

(Image from The People's Cube)

Premium Mainland Quality

Now, with 5% MORE diethylene glycol!

(Photo by The Foreigner)

These cheese slices are actually made in New Zealand, not China.  (And, just to cover myself, they do NOT contain diethylene glycol.)

All kidding aside, don't the boys in marketing realize that when it comes to foodstuffs, the expression "mainland quality" may have lost some of its cachet in recent days?

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UPDATE:  Looks like "Mainland" is the brand name.  Oh well.  Still good for a cheap laugh.

The Mysterious Beast Of Linkou - Revealed!

So, after 38 goats were found dead near the Taiwanese town of Linkou, who does the culprit turn out to be?

We WERE told that tracks in the mud suggested the slayer was a tiger, or some other large member of the cat family.  So the truth turns out to be a bit of a letdown:

(Image from Jun 12th edition of the Taipei Times.)

Seeing this mutt, I couldn't help but imagine what the SPCA ad in the paper would say.  "Wanted:  Kind home for stray dog.  Does not get along well with...kids."

(Boo!  Hiss!)

Do You Smile To Tempt A Lover, Mona Lisa?

I think this place in Shu-Lin sells teddy bears.

(Photo by The Foreigner)

Under The Sea

Friday's Taipei Times featured a front-page story about new salt-water species discovered near Taiwan.  For better viewing, click on the thumbnails. 

(Thankfully, one of the following has NOT been discovered.  Yet.)

I Did Not Know That

From Tuesday's editorial in Taiwan's China Post:

Chiang Kai-Shek fought for democracy.

Ah.  Just for the record, Chiang was re-elected president of the Republic of China (Taiwan) by the National Assembly in 1954, 1960, 1966 and 1972.

So...exactly who were his opponents in these elections?  What independent political parties did they belong to?  Were the people of Taiwan ever consulted on these votes?  And what was the fate of unfriendly media figures during these election cycles?

If there are serious answers to those questions, then I'll admit Chiang fought for democracy.  Otherwise, I'll keep in mind the example of Julius Caesar, who claimed to be savior of the republic, yet quickly accepted the post of dictator-for-life.

Here's something else I didn't know:

Chiang was supreme commander of the victorious Allied forces during WWII.

Critics and supporters alike can all agree that Chiang's conception and execution of Operation Overlord was masterful.  Simply masterful.

I've Heard Of Bag Ladies, But This Is Ridiculous

It's either an Iranian wedding, or one of the Shih Ming-teh protesters has gotten REALLY lost.  Either way, I'm sure she and Cousin It will be very happy together...

(Photo from the Nov 29th ed of the Taipei Times.)

While all the years spent in darkness may have left her hyper-sensitive to sunlight, the acuity of the rest of her senses has become exponentially magnified.  No one suspects that in her alter-ego she battles supervillains by night, in a never-ending quest for truth, justice, and the Iranian Way.

(Unfortunately, in close combat, she's occasionally put at somewhat of a disadvantage by the fact that her crime-fighting costume lacks any openings for...well, her ARMS, for one thing.)

Maybe if I'm a good boy, Santa will deliver a sweet little miss in a big, red sack to my house, too, this Christmas.

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UPDATE (Apr 25/07):  The Iranian Dresstapo threatens to banish women from Tehran for 5 years for wearing "inappropriate" clothing.  Fortunately, our lady in red has absolutely NOTHING to worry about.

UPDATE (Jul 6/09):  Spanish scientists develop ways for people to use echolocation.  The training only takes 2 hours a day for several weeks.  (Although one firefighter, er, throws hot water over the idea of using the technique in fires, where the ambient sound can be 90 dB.)

[Dr. Juan Antonio Martinez] recommends trying with the typical "sh" sound used to make someone be quiet. Moving a pen in front of the mouth can be noticed straightaway. This is a similar phenomenon to that when travelling in a car with the windows down, which makes it possible to "hear" gaps in the verge of the road.

The next level is to learn how to master the "palate clicks". To make sure echoes from the tongue clicks are properly interpreted, the researchers are working with a laser pointer, which shows the part of an object at which the sound should be aimed.

Parliamentary Maneuver Of The Week

Dr. Marvin Monroe:  You LIKE attention, don't you Li Ao?

Legislator Li:  Do I EVER!  Ha-haaa!

Dr. Monroe:  Well, we ALL do.  The PROBLEM is, you don't care whether you get GOOD attention, for say, proposing beneficial new laws in the Taiwanese legislature...or BAD attention, for say, opening a can of tear gas inside a crowded committee room while warding off fellow politicians with an electric stun baton.

(Image of Independent Lawmaker (and Taipei mayoral candidate) Li Ao from Wednesday's Taipei Times.  Yes, that's a V for Vendetta-style Guy Fawkes mask affixed to the front of his gas mask.)

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CAVEAT:  Currently, the public only has Mr. Li's word to go on that his gas bomb actually contained what he said it contained.  There's some corroboration in the fact that some committee members left the room coughing and tearing up, but it's somewhat odd that there are no reports of any vomiting.

Bizarre Japanese Inventions

This site says they're useless, but that's really unfair.  Those eyedropper funnels just MIGHT work.

;-)

(Hat tip to The Corner.)

Poor Osama's Mother

He never calls, he never writes...

Satire from The Onion.

Jedi Squirrels

If they're struck down, they become more powerful than you can POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

(Image from Analogkid12)

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UPDATE (Nov 1/06):  Squirrels on crack.

Chinese Man Bites Panda

Perhaps there's a lesson here for panda-huggers everywhere.  From the front page of today's Taipei Times:

A drunken Chinese tourist bit a panda at the Beijing Zoo after the animal attacked him when he jumped into the enclosure and tried to hug it, state media said yesterday.

(Afterwards, the man is said to have remarked, "It tasted just like koala.")

(Photo from PocketPC Screens.)

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UPDATE (Sep 21/06):  I reproduce a comment from The Daily Gut:

This guy should be locked up immediately. His defense for abusing the Panda is "I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much." This kind of thing always starts with Pandas but before you know it this sick puppy will be hanging around the Petting Zoo with sugarcubes preying on innocent pigs and donkeys.

More Bad News For The President

Chen Shui-bian loses the small-but-influential Taiwanese tranny vote...

Don't worry, ladies.  If he stays in office, you WILL survive.

(Photo of anti-Chen rally from the Taipei Times.)

Interview With A Ninja

Funny stuff.  Check out the 2-3 minute video here.

Pope to Abolish Limbo - D&D Players Livid

Pope Benedict XVI has probably considered the theological consequences of abolishing Limbo, but has he stopped to give a moment's thought about what this could mean for Dungeons and Dragons campaigns?  Maybe he should!

Funny stuff on the subject:

Pope to Change D&D Cosmology

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UPDATE (May 25/07):  A more serious treatment can be found here.

H.P. Lovecraft and the Sunday Funnies

OK, I admit it.  I liked The Family Circus when I was a kid.  And I became a fan of horror writer H.P. Lovecraft several years later.

At last, the circle is complete:

The Cthulhu Circus

My favorites are A Blinding Glare, The Bleak Mountain Wind and A Warning.

Taxis, Terrorists and Tykes

Kat over at The Middle Ground wrote quite a good satire:

So You Wanna Be a Terrorist?

Meanwhile, Sandmonkey has a pretty funny take on Egyptian taxi drivers, and why he hates kids.